Presented by Charmin.
And now, a bowl game that represents a sad end for two teams in DFFL 2022. Two teams who weathered a season of disappointment and frustration. Most weeks they sat constipated on the throne of fantasy points; needing, expecting to crap some decent fantasy points, but alas only short, smelly farts could escape. Here two teams compete for the stinkiest of DFFL honors, the DFFL TOILET BOWL IV!
What can we say about these teams, that hasn't already been said via funny memes, witty quips, and snide remarks? But seriously, this was not an easy feat! I mean, these two squads had 16 weeks to prevent representing DFFL in this sad, notorious and expensive game. We must appreciate their work ethic and perseverance; managing to screw the pooch just enough - roster management, starting decisions, player acquisitions, and deck-chair accumulations. All these things to achieve a spot in the DFFL TOILET BOWL IV!
CAB (3-11), with butt cheeks clenched, hobbles to TOILET BOWL IV a newbie to representing with such duh'stink'tion. Only one short year ago, CAB was a defending DFFL Champion. One could not write a more adequate Riches-to-Rags story (unless of course, it were the DFFL BOWL II Champs and subsequent DFFL TOILET BOWL I King, RAF). I digress... It really isn't surprising that a team from Hops Division is in this mess. Hops Divisional teams accounted for the fewest wins and least fantasy points compared to Malt and Barley. On the positive side, CAB has postured his franchise for upward momentum in the coming seasons. He certainly hopes that a new fantasy diet in 2023 will prevent the kind of Mylanta moment 2022 represented!
DMM (5-9) is also a new arrival to a DFFL toilet bowl, and truly worked through severe fantasy diarrhea en route achieving this milestone in the final weeks. DMM is a new arrival to DFFL. And as part of the 'Welcome to the League' portfolio, he had to play all the toughest teams in the league right at the beginning. DMM then had to do it again at the end of the season. The previous owner, a winner (i.e., loser) of DFFL 2021 Toilet Bowl III, immediately vacated his team of turds, walking out of the league with a trail of toilet paper from his shoes; not leaving so much as a single-ply sheet of toilet tissue for the next man up. Still, DMM somehow improved the team's wins this season, and set himself up for a future come-back, wheeling and dealing for draft capital in the coming years.
The 2022 regular season for these two teams found them more often than not achieving the kind of awards one prefers not to receive. CAB received second-most Deck Chairs Awards (3) - attempting to find bargains in all the wrong places. DMM did win a Tyson Award, but it came against arguably the only other DFFL team that warranted a spot in this year's stink bowl - Hops Division cellar dweller, PTS (3-11). Also, both Toilet Bowl IV team owners received Meme Awards - one each - for managing the lowest points score in a week. Noteworthy, both teams won Mojo Awards, which tells you these franchise owners still have some savviness and a passion to improve for the future.
The TOILET BOWL IV will showcase two fantasy squads made up of the who's who of the "Do they still play in the NFL?" players. But seriously, both CAB and DMM have serious injury issues, which creates the current crap fest of "who the hell is that?" these owners are faced with in starting lineups. At QB, a player that earned CAB a Mojo Award, Justin Fields will start. Fields is back from injury and appears ready to continue his Cam 2.0 NFL season performance. In the RB1 spot, Ja..whatever.. Hasty is the starter, and this tells you what you need to know about CAB's RB situation. Of course, Hasty does aptly describe the way CAB arrived to the DFFL toilet. In all fairness, Hasty is just one tiny soft-tissue issue and/or Entienne rest-for-playoffs decision from being the Jags' running bell cow.
The receivers for CAB are actually quite awesome, with a ton of future potential (No, I'm not talking about Marvin Jones). Jalen Waddle is on the verge of historic production as part of the one-two-punch he and Tyreek Hill bring to Miami. At issue is the starting QB for Miami, the game-manager, Teddy Two Gloves Bridgewater. This likely means less big throws and more RB play, but Waddle will likely get some solid targets and possible huge yards after receptions. Frankenmuth starts at TE in a tough matchup versus BMore. Still, Freiermuth gets targets, and will probably out target both D. Johnson and G. Pickens..we'll see. Meanwhile, at Flex, Garrett Wilson gets his man back behind center, Mike White, so I think CAB expects double-digit points, and he wouldn't be unreasonable in that expecation. Kendrick Bourne is just the kind of "who that" name to surprise in this game, where Mac Jones should be airing out one or two passes versus a beatable Miami secondary. Notably, RAF recommended CAB start Bourne "and forget about it" last week, when he went off for over 25 points. I digress...
Rounding out CAB's "outhouse aristocrats" are Chris Moore in a good matchup against Jacksonville; Kicker, 'What The' Elliot; and them little Giants versus Indianapolis' "Broncos, Hold My Beer" offense.
Stinking up the other side of this matchup is DMM's band of "Pooper Troopers". DMM has himself a KED-sized QB problem. His stellar, MVP-performing typical starting QB, Jalen Hurts has gone and, well, "hurts'd" himself. He will not play, as Eagles need him to heal before playoff games start. That leaves DMM with, um...let me look...dang!, no one! #SadFace . Matt Ryan was benched long ago, and poor backup-my-whole-career, Jacobi Brissett, is benched for Tuggy Watson. Gonna be tough to match the points CAB's Fields is expected to accomplish this weekend. It just doesn't get much better when looking at the RB1 for DMM. Chuba Hubbard, which this week sounds much like something someone might groan while constipated on the turd throne, is likely to play second-fiddle to D'Onta Foreman. However, he may get more points than CAB's RB step-child, Hasty. Hubbard did pull in almost 16 points last week, but that was Detroit's defense, not Tampa's this week.
In the receiver set, DMM looks like he's starting Deandre Hopkins who is questionable (maybe doubtful) to play versus Falcons. The Millionaire will look at the options of Josh Palmer, Hunter Renfrow, or maybe Russel Gage as possible replacements - though none are even near the fantasy potential Hopkins would bring if healthy. Allen Lazard is the Millionaire's second receiver. DMM will want Christian Watson to be kept out for his hip issue, and Lazard to be Aaron Rodgers' main man for targets in what will likely be a shoot-out in Green Bay. At TE, DMM has Mike Gesicki. Gesicki has a lot of upside in this game at NE. For one, Teddy "short pass" Bridgwater will probably lean on him for easy passes over the middle, and Gesicki is a solid TE with way more potential than the Miami game script has allowed this year.
In the Flex, DMM is fielding a 3-headed dragon of dicey, risky fantasy play. Baltimore's Demarcus Robinson is the king of single-digit performances the past few weeks - interestingly since the LaJax injury. One should probably expect similar production in this one against a divisional foe, Pittsburgh. Boom-and-bust KJ Osborn probably has the most potential in the Flex to blow up points wise for DMM. Just two short weeks ago, Osborn crushed it with 33 points against what was supposed to be a tough Indiana defense. Based on other starters for DMM, he will need to explode this week as well. Finally, DMM starter, Curtis Samuel plays versus Cleveland this weekend. He has and can do some pretty good fantasy point producing. Carson Wentz is starting, and though will likely lean on his running backs, may need to air it out to a high percentage receiver. The Millionaire will need him to do just that, a few times, to remain competitive against CAB. Lastly, DMM plays Matt Prater as his Kicker and the Seahawks as his defense and special teams. DMM is floating a Hail Mary out there with these decisions, but maybe it works out?
In conclusion, the DFFL Toilet Bowl is not a great place for any team this time of year. Honestly, a couple more of us could be, should be (PTS), facing this truly embarrassing and potentially costly dishonor. We all know that the owners of the CAB and DMM franchises are two of the more savvy and fantasy-intelligent owners a fantasy league could have. However, every year we will have a toilet bowl, and someone is gonna have to represent. Let's all pray that when the music stops at the end of next season, we aren't the ones standing constipated and chair-less at the door to the DFFL Outhouse in what will be TOILET BOWL V.
LINE:
CAB (-40)
DMM (+40)
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